Stuck still

When I started this blog, I wanted to use it to both help myself and help others.

Little did I know that I would suppress the majority of my grief, thus making it hard to talk about in this blog, or even compartmentalise my trauma. My coping mechanisms have not been healthy, to say the least. I scroll aimlessly through my phone, wanting to find an instant gratification, it’s a brain numbing exercise that allows me to avoid my loneliness and also passes the vast amount of time I have to spend in isolation.

I have been stuck, even when I proclaimed I was no longer stuck in grief. It’s apparent now that I still am. I am clinging on to the old version of me, knuckles white from the tight grip of Nerys Muir. But she died alongside my husband. That version of me is lost forever, and the longer I hold tightly to her. The more painful this process will be.

Moving forward, it is important to know I am in control, not my grief, not my past and not any other person who resides on this earth. I have the power to create the life I want. I don’t quite know what that will be at the moment, but I do know it will be beautiful.