Why people are jealous of a widows escapism.

My 7th flight in 365 days. This is something that people feel a need to comment on.

“Where are you going this time”, “You are away more than you are home”, “what a lovely life you lead”, “wow how on earth do you pay for that”, “should you take the children out of school this much”. These are some of the comments I have received lately. And even though it’s unlikely that they are said with malice, every time they leave someone’s mouth, it’s like a gut punch. A feeling like I am doing something wrong, or that I need to explain myself.

You see what people are seeing, is what they choose to see, they look at my life this past year and see the sun, the smile and the beauty of it. Failing to acknowledge the darkness that still surrounds me. A storm cloud. It is difficult to understand a darkness that you haven’t experienced, to relate to something like the death of your spouse. The sadness and darkness weighs heavy on me. There is only so much grief a human heart can take. There has to be breaks in it, an escape. And that’s what my holiday are, an escape from my reality. What is seen by others is the small breaks in my stormy weather.

I will continue to escape as much as I see fit, it has become important for my healing. Each time I escape, I rediscover a small part of myself and that’s exciting.

I’m not sure where flight number 9 will take me. But I am excited to find out.